Sure Things

There is only one thing in life that everyone can count on... death. While this seems morbid, I feel it is important for me to document my fear of life and equally my fear of death. I can't stress enough how my mom's current fight with cancer has impacted my life in this regard. I wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to get the call telling me her fight is over. Thankfully, I've not had to deal with that call yet. Sadly, I am living 3000 miles away from home, and I now live with the fear of never seeing or talking to my mom ever again.

I guess I should have seen this struggle coming from miles away much like a meteorologist sees a hurricane on the radar. I was too consumed with my own self pity and loathing to see how dire things back home were becoming. Moving was a way for me to find a new life in a local where only a handful of people new my name. For some reason, this was very important to me. Getting out of the Seattle area was the only goal I had in live, now I wish I had made different plans. Running away no longer seems like a reasonable way of dealing with my own depression. Then again, I guess this is something I could have only learned from running away.

To some, it may seem like I ran away from something that was pitiful at best. I won't even begin to sway one to see things my way, but running away was, at the time, the only way for me to deal with loss. I felt like everything I had in my life was stripped from my clawing hands without permission. Everything I loved and lived for was gone, dead. The sad truth, the people I loved and very much loved living with went on living without me. This was the most painful thing I've dealt with in recent years. It was much to hard to acknowledge, so I ran away to a place that only felt like home.

This place will never be home, and again, I think this is a lesson I could have only learned from moving. I've learned that home is where you can be yourself at all times (even if that means being crazy and melting down). I don't have that freedom here in North Carolina. The person I live with doesn't allow me the freedom to break down from time to time. I feel like a prisoner in my own life, and now that I'm here, I want to turn around and run home. Running back to mommy and daddy brings pains that I purposefully ran away from. I will have to go back to looking for jobs that might very well find me employed at the same company as my ex, Frank. I can't think of a life worse than having to see him every day. Well, that was until I found out that my mom's fight with cancer was turning into a pointless fight - the cancer will win, I just don't know when.

Now, moving home means potentially causing a terrible situation for my mom. I don't want to cause her pain or strife. I fear that if I move home, I will cause a great divide to be built in our family. Things will go back to the way they used to be with parents picking sides and fights with long silences that seem to never end. This is not the life I want for myself, nor is it the life I want my mom to have. I really can't do that to my mom, so while life might be safer for me if I move home, out of love, I will stay in North Carolina. I will stay here until my mom passes. This of course means that I may never see my mom again. It also means that I am purposefully saying it is ok for my mom to pass away without me near her. I think this is the hardest part for me, but my mom has my sister and my niece. I guess she doesn't need me there when all she ever wanted was time to get to know her granddaughter. when I think about that, it some how becomes easier for me to know my mom's death is closer than I'd like.