Who am I, Where Did I Go?

I once thought I had a tale to tell - one singular tale. As time progresses, there becomes clarity in my current situation. I have not one tale to tell, but many tales to tell. It seems most logical to explain how I ended up in this turbulent twister I currently reside in, the place, where even I cannot recognize myself. This tale begins some 4 years back with the meeting of one on the Internet. This tale is long and traumatic on many levels, yet it is important to parse through in order to find the soul that somehow was left behind.

I used to be much kinder to myself than I am today. I had taken roughly two years to heal from my last relationship before meeting ‘Stache Master. Granted, my previous relationship was very hard on me personally, perhaps it was harder on my former lover? I shall never really know all the answers to that question. There are many and very few opportunities to find the truth as my former half lays six feet deep. I have been told that he went quickly and pain was not felt, but I wonder still to this day what could have driven him to his actions. I nearly lost my own life the same day he lost his. I suppose that is another story for another time.

The point being, I once cared enough about myself and not as much what others perceived me to be. I acted in my own accordance living for my own beliefs. So, how is it that one relationship, seemingly wonderful and perfect at the surface, could have left me so scared and unsure? This I am not entirely certain of. I do know that I fought hard for the love I felt to exist, but the love was rarely, if ever, truly reciprocated. Today, I feel as if I may have wasted four years of my life, yet at the time of meeting ‘Stache Master, I was so excited to have finally met someone that may have had similar experiences. This can lead to dangerous adventures. Taking a leap of faith and jumping into the excitement without really thinking things through can surely lead to one’s own death.

So my death in this story is metaphorical but still important. It is this death that I need to figure out because I started this journey a very different person. I began with hope and vigor, and now at its end I find myself lost and withdrawn. I was once the life of the party with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. This has all faded into the shadows as I am now nothing more than a meek wall flower. I hope that this journey of purging helps me find where I was lost, for I know it was lost amongst the four years I was with the ‘Stache Master.